Dear God

I will praise you no matter what

2006-11-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

When troubles smack my face...I will turn to you

When I can't keep the pace...I will turn to you

When darkness fills this space...I will turn to you

When I can't win the race...you will turn to me.

Lord, you have always been there for me. You never let me down no matter what the trouble I face. Today I got sick and once again your timing was perfect. You sent me to just the right place for urgent care. This pain did not happen at work...or in some far off unknown city. You heal me and pick me up when I am tired. You send me friends and give me your grace.

It is in these times of trial, that I seek you most. For that I am thankful. A heart that seeks your grace...what could be better?

If I must go through the fire, I know the pain is not wasted. I am refined and made into something usable. Lord, I am your servant...now and always.

YOU Found ME

2006-03-29T15:56:00.000-08:00

Lord, you touched my heart today. I know I've been mad at you lately. It wasn't your fault. Because You live...I live.

While I was running, tears fell down my cheeks, mixing with the sweat on my face. Only you could see the pain that I refused to give up. I am not alone. You carry me and my burdens. Thank you Lord...YOU FOUND ME.

YOU FOUND ME, by Kelly Clarkson

Is this a dream?
If it is
Please don't wake me from this high
I'd become comfortably numb
Until you opened up my eyes
To what it's like
When everything's right
I can't believe

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me

So, here we are
That's pretty far
When you think of where we've been
No going back
I'm fading out
All that has faded me within
You're by my side
Now everything's fine
I can't believe

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me
You found me

And I was hiding
'Til you came along
And showed me where I belong
You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know?
How did you know?

You found me
When no one else was lookin'
How did you know just where I would be?
Yeah, you broke through
All of my confusion
The ups and the downs
And you still didn't leave
I guess that you saw what nobody could see
You found me

2 am Anxiety

2006-03-23T02:01:00.000-08:00

Here I am again...

Falling down from a life I've tried to lead. Why does the load drag behind me? It is the same one I've held on my back all this time. I used to let you carry it for me. Oh, how heavy it has become.

Do I ever praise you? Do I ever thank you with deep sincerity? I say grace before I eat. I raise my hand to thank you at the top of a hill. It is routine.

It is after 2 am and I can't sleep. My thoughts have run away to the darker world. Sin is a slippery cave. I will not find you in there. My eyes can't find their way out. Close them Kathy. Listen to his voice.

Lord, I pray that you will guide me out of here. I have lost you in anger. I am deep in the well of sadness. Come and find me. Pull me out.

You speak to me through song. I'm begging you to be my escape.

Send Help!!!

2005-11-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

Lord,
Please don't let him do it. Don't let him kill himself. I don't know how to help him. Send someone to help. If that person is me...tell me what to do.

swollen eyelids

2005-10-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

Only you know my pain. I share it with you alone. The depths are deep and cold. I can't smile. I can't sing. I can't take another step. I want to sleep forever. I need you Lord.
Be with me.
Forgive me.
I'm so sorry.

let me live with JOY

2005-10-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

Let me live with Joy

When the rain of sorrow,
saddens all my days
Let me live with JOY
brushed careful on my face

The sun will come out
The stars will shine bright
in the sunny sky
in the moonlite night

I shouldn't have a fear
I know you are above
all the cold
and all the love

Put me in the room
that shines with all your bright
let me live with YOU
and everything that's right

Simply put

2005-08-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Lord, help me to find the strength to finish what I start.

Where my heart cries

2005-08-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

Lord,
It is the prayer of my soul right now that I focus on you rather than the weight of life, with all its terrible heartaches, that threaten to crush my spirit. I am so important to my family. They're needs are familiar. I want to give my full attention to each and every one.

I often find my energy depleated. Fill up my storage tower. Remind me of the life that is true. Where are my treasures kept? In you...yes.

I do not need to think of myself. "Take care of yourself too" I hear people say, but they don't understand. "I" am not in need. You take care of me. "I" am in good hands. Right now, you need me to help...and of course father, I will help. Friends, family, strangers...
All that I have is You. You are love. Love is all I can give.

The depths of my being cry out! Lord, help me.

I remember...

2005-07-06T12:34:00.000-07:00

Looking back it's been almost a year since I started my life in the blog hemisphere. This site was created, in part, by a request from a 15 year old boy named Sonnek. He suggested that I write about my conversations with God. And that is how this site came to be. It has never been intended to be viewed as arrogant. "Look at me... I'm in good with the man upstairs!"

Some of you may see it that way and that is unfortunate. This is a personal site. I don't care if it goes months without seeing a single entry. I post here as I feel lead to. Praying is done in silence. When my eyes are closed, when my heart is heavy, when the glory of it all lifts my hands to Heaven, I am lost in prayer.

You are welcome to comment. Even in your lack of comprehension or eagerness to judge, you are welcome. This a personal site written by a flawed Christian, constantly begging for mercy from her just, loving, all powerful God.

Life and Death

2005-05-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Lord, I pray for Mike and Julie. This will be difficult, no question. 3 weeks? That's all he got? I don't understand that...and why now? 2 days before their wedding? I believe your timing is perfect, so I must be willing to accept that there are circumstances here beyond my ability to understand.
I'm mad. He should have been able to see his son get married. He should have had more time.
Lord, the only tears shed now should have been for joy. Now they are mixed with tears of heartache.
I pray for them. All who knew them. May he rest in your loving peace...watching from above.
Amen.

Another Piece of You

2005-04-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

I get it now! Baptism. Obedience. Suffering for sin. I think I even get why blood had to be shed to forgive sin...but not fully.
We'll work on that.

I'm still in awe. I have been praying for Michael to be strengthed in his beliefs for years. Timing. It's all about your timing. It's perfect and let me NEVER forget that. I would ask...why not now? Now would be good.
No, you said...not now.

But why...why, why, why!?
Like a child am I.
Forgive me.

Thank You. Your Holy Spirit washes over the souls of my loved ones. Over me. I am new. I am yours.

Don't take me out of the world.
Lord, take the world out of me.

Amen.

What's with that dream!!

2005-03-11T18:04:00.000-08:00

Whoa! What is with that dream?

The one where I was in a small town coffee house. The whole town was there. They were having a serious discussion. I was playing a board game. The game was part of the serious discussion.

I was the only one playing, though the board held many pieces. I needed to put one of the pieces together. It was made of hard paper and if done correctly, folded a certain way to make a car.

I couldn't do it. I lost the game. The coffee house was destroyed. Only a dozen people survived, walking around the shell of the building wondering what they were going to do now.

I left the coffee house and began walking up the narrow sidewalk of main street. Satan ran ahead of me...laughing.
I yelled at him, "You didn't win! You didn't win!"
He replied in a sweet teasing voice, "Now that's no way to start out our relationship."

I turned around and darted for the public restroom. Satan lunged forward to stop me, yelling NO!!

The sight was horrific. My husband was stuck to the wall and bleeding from his neck. I screamed and had to look away.
When I looked back up- I noticed he was moving and groaning. He's Alive!

I got him down and slid the knife out of his neck. It wasn't in the middle...it was off to one side, which might be the reason he wasn't dead. Blood gushed from his body like a river as I struggled to step outside under the weight of his lean.

In my mind I knew...Satan had stabbed him and pinned him to the wall because I lost the game.

I lost the game...

Lord, I don't know why we have dreams like this. But I over analyze everything. Does this mean I am afraid I will let down the people I love?

I dreamed this 2 nights ago, yet it's fresh in my mind...like I just woke up.

When the darkness falls

2005-03-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
I know you are there when darkness settles. I don't have to question. When it seems the tower will cave...you are there. I know you will pick up the pieces. You will take my ashes and create a new work of art better than the one before. My weakness is great. I cave and fall like a deck of cards.
I effect so many people around me with my choices. I want to make better choices. The bicycle is out of control, my bare feet are blistered. I bleed from my withered fingers. Wretched is my soul. I know why the sinner sings Amazing Grace...how sweet the sound! I am that undeserving maget that knows nothing but of itself.
Truth I do not know. Wisdom I have lost. Darkness covers my joy and Satan takes his one degree.
But you are in the emptyness. The bitter, cold and lonely spaces.
Fill me Lord. Fill me with you grace.
Amen.

Thank You

2005-02-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

Thank You.

Never have I said so little, but meant so much. Lord, Thank You.

I have always wondered how I would handle it if the school ever called me with an emergency. Well, now I know. Not to good, but not too bad.

Meaning Katie was not that badly injured and I didn't handle it all that good. I have many talents, but multi tasking is NOT one of them. I do things one at a time. I have tunnel vision. Trying to squeeze several things into my attention span is hard for me, but that doesn't mean I can't apply myself to do it better. Improve with practice. Thank you for the practice.

Yesterday I tried to keep my vehicle on the road while my full attention was someplace else.
I'm also less than adequate in making quick decisions. (boy aren't I great catch...employee wise).
Do you send angels to help out in these situations? Because I think I had some help. Thank you for all the things you do that I just don't understand.

I'm thankful for the peace you allowed me to feel. I'm thankful my daughter will heal. Tonight I feel blessed.

The bond Katie and I share is your work. You retrieved it from it's hiding place. You made the proper repairs when I broke it. You painstakingly dusted and cleaned it. You displayed it yesterday for the world to see. We are your masterpieces. You are the Artist. I pray for your light to shine on this work forever.

"Create in me a lasting work."

Amen.

Didn't ya see that?

2005-01-31T18:25:00.000-08:00

Aren't you proud of me? ...NO?!?!

But I was so efficient today. Didn't I impress you with my ability to seek and destroy every bit of dust, every string of hair?

The house sparkles! The dirt is history. Gone!

Isn't that impressive?

What do you mean I missed a spot? Where?

I washed the dishes twice!

I even mopped the garage floor. I washed the sheets. I washed the rugs! I organized the boxes under the house.

I made a nice dinner...
The girls are reading, not watching TV. Their homework is done. The cats have been fed.

I've talked with friends, paid the bills, bought the valentine cards...what did I miss?

The light bulb?...no I changed it.
Oh, the mail...I forgot to pick up the mail. Guess I'm not perfect.
What? That's not it?

What then? What isn't clean yet?

THE MEATLOAF PAN!?!?

I scrubbed that pan for a long time. Thought it was clean, so I placed it on the rack. Wiped it down and found grease smeared all over my drying towel. Yuck. More laundry. More work for me.

Why couldn't I see the grease?

Why do some stains never leave a garment?

How can you make things white as snow?

Forgive me Father...I'm sorry....make me white as snow.

PUT IT BACK! six feet under, please.

2005-01-24T08:46:00.000-08:00

The worst thing that has ever happened to me... happened 15 years ago, but I relive it like it was yesterday.

Is this the time in my life where I actually talk about it so it will go away? Haven't we talked about it many times before God? Can't you throw this into the sea of forgetfulness and let me be free? Can't I be a bird so my tears will turn sideways? They fall down. They touch my skin. They won't let me forget.

Back then, if I could have transported myself away, I would have. If I could have been strong enough to knee him in the gut, I would have....

Last night the moon was full. In the kitchen I picked up my glass of wine and decided I needed to get away...again.

I went for a walk, down the street, in the moonlight. Soon he was behind me. He's always been there for me. He doesn't understand this and neither do I, but it will be okay. We will be okay. YOU know the pain. YOU understand the pain. YOU are the healer. YOU can make me strong. Please Lord, make me strong. Strong enough to bury it. Bury it and throw away the shovel.

Deal with it. HOW!!??
How does one deal with this?
I don't want counseling, I don't want to talk about it...anymore.
I exhumed it.
BURY IT GOD, BURY IT!!

let it haunt me no more...

Time, time, who's got the time...?

2005-01-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

Here I am, another person complaining that there aren't enough hours in the day. Yeah, I guess I could do that, but I don't want to. There is plenty of time. I just waste most of it. I blog to much, and sometimes just sit and do nothing but ponder the past.

God, you know my everythought. You give me all the time I need. You know how much of that time I will spend with you. You tell me where to direct myself. I know where to go. I know what to do...so why do I drag my feet?

Why do I waste your gifts? I have all the ingredients to bake the cake. Why can't I eat it? Why can't I eat anything?

It's an old song. Help me manage my time. Help me find the balance.
Thank You

Crushing

2005-01-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

Lord your cross is heavy. Sometimes light as a feather. Physically I imagine carrying it while running up the crushing hills. Where is my moment that I can no longer bare the burnden. I make my life heavy. I place them on my back, one by one.

You take them away- the ones I give you. The ones I keep get heavier. Please, God, I want to give them all up.

Can I trust you? yes, trust me...

Shock

2004-12-29T08:37:00.000-08:00

Lord,

I'm in shock over the loss of life in Asia. I do not understand why you let this happen. It's terrible, awful, sickening. History tells me that massive deaths like this have happened before, but not in my lifetime. It's different seeing it happen on the 6 o'clock news than in a book. Why don't terrible things like this happen where I live? Am I immune to such circumstances?
Do you love me more? No, I didn't think so.

All the children!! Wives, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends.
Life is fragile. What do you want to teach me? How will the world change?

Reminder for myself...
He knows and sees what I cannot know or see today.
I'll just have to take comfort in that.
You know all, understand all, love all. Your grace is sufficient.

Strength and focus

2004-12-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

Lord,
I pray for strength and focus. Shopping wears me out. It's the hardest part about Christmas. I love it all, but shopping is draining.

Today I read this:
"Never lose sight of the fact that old age needs so little but needs that little so much."
Margaret Willour

Took a me a few times to really get it. The old folks home. Don't forget the forgotten. That's what your telling me. Help me to shift my focus back to you. I have tunnel vision and all I can think about, right now, is my shopping list.
Write it down!! *Need flannel fabric to make scarfs. On the calander *23rd- bring music and let Megan dance for the elderly. Give out scarfs. Wish them a Merry Christmas.

Give a little bit.
Focus Kathy

I just like this

2004-12-15T09:04:00.000-08:00

I have a calendar with inspirational thoughts for each day. I like this one, though I've changed it a bit.

I know I am secure in the place God has made for me. He knows the rhythm of my spirit and the thoughts of my heart.
He is as close as breathing. I find peace and comfort in His truth. He knows and sees what I cannot know or see today.

Lord, I find this calms my soul. I feel your Holy Spirit whispering in my ear. You tell me to close my eyes and breath slowly. Let the world go on...be still.
Meditation is the desire of my heart to search for yours. Without you, the world is black and white. The most beautiful colors I've ever seen happened while my face was aimed at you. Your sky is brillent. No wonder the Angels adore You. You have made for them a soft and wonderous place.
I do not deserve the gifts you have given me. That's why they had to be gifts. I could never earn enough to pay the price in full. I am selfish, but I Love You. Forgive me, I want to be what you have planned.

I ask the girls at night... "What was the first gift of Christmas?" The answer is always the same...LOVE.
"For God so loved the world that He gave..."

How can I say Thank You??

Handicaped Traveling

2004-12-13T07:25:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Thea flies to Holland. Lord, I pray that it will go well. She is so brave. It will be a long flight without her husband, without her boys. She will have to depend on strangers and trust in you.
I remember life before the accident. Stephanie used to talk back to her mother...like all girls do. But I will never forget the look on her face that day in the hospital when she thought she might lose her. She held the straps of Thea's purse with such determination to keep her mother on this earth. Thank You that Stephanie will also be on that plane tomorrow. She would go crazy here without her.
I want to pray for Thea's mother too. She has been very sick and can't fly to the states. Give her the strength to force back the tears when she sees her baby girl in a wheelchair. Let them have a meaningful visit. The kind of visit that allows them to hold on tight, knowing you may never see them again in this world. Hours filled with questions they've always wanted to ask, gifts that truly say "I love you" and tears that turn to laughter.

Bless this family, bless them with memories they will treasure.
In Your Name, I Pray...

Gifts from You

2004-12-03T13:13:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
You know I love Christmas. 9 years ago tomorrow you gave me a gift. Megan. I love her so much. She is an Angel. Sweet child with those big brown eyes. How can I be truely thankful? I say that I am, I feel that I am, I know that I am.
11 years, 10 months and 9 days ago you gave me Katelyn. I love her with all my heart. You know the struggles we've had. She has tested my strength and therefore made me a better mother...a better person. It's what I asked for when she was born. To be a good mother. Thank you for your answer to my prayer. However, not exactly the way I thought you'd answer. If I had any idea...I might have asked for something else...then again, no. You know what I need and what I can handle. I can guess there is a lot more to come. Please strengthen our whole family unit. She will need it just as much as me. Help me be patient and kind.
Love,
Kathy

True Friends

2004-11-16T13:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you for my friends. I love them everyday. I've heard people say, friends will come and go from our lives, but can I keep the really good ones? The ones that make me feel loved? The ones that are there for me when I need them. The ones that let me help when they need me.
Truly these friends are blessings. If I lose but one my heart will cry. New ones are fragile. I must cradle and nurture the growing fondness. The lasting ties are solid as the oak tree. Let me not forget them in my busy life. May I be in their thoughts as well. I pray time can be taken to talk, share and learn.
War has taken one. I pray for Jeff and his family. You know them just as you know me. Give her strength for the coming year ahead.
My friends have become closer than family. Lord, I need them- you know I do. I wish that some of them knew you.
Make me a true friend. The kind that you would want. Even at my best, not nearly good enough, I hurt the ones I love, forgive me. Make me new, and once again...true.

Sadness Confirmed

2004-11-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

Well, that's what I get for missing Church a few weeks in a row.

Why did it have to be another teenager? The one that helped me with kids at VBS this summer. The one that made the girls giggle because his hair changed color about as often as the sun went down.
I've only lived here 15 months and that's 4 dead teens that I know about.
How can I protect my own kids when they become able to drive...or riding with friends? Pray, pray, pray. Like I'm doing now? Trust. Like I'm doing now? Have Faith? Like I'm not doing now...
I know that your way is the best way. You've told ME that. I want my kids to live longer than me. That is what I am asking for, God. Like a child I have asked for many things. You have said 'yes' to some and 'no' to others. You have given me things I didn't ask for, but needed. Who am I to know what I need?
Please Lord give me wisdom for each encounter. I ask knowing you will give me that.
"But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6

I walk into the deli and see the owners who just lost their son, and I want to tell them it will be okay, but I know it isn't. The pain is wrenching, ripping and bleeding. I can't listen to the song "my immortal" because I think that is how I would feel if I lost a child. Who knows if that was the intent of the songwriter- but it speaks to me that way.

You have let me feel:
The pure contentment of a baby sleeping on my chest,
The freshness of your breath on my face,
The thrill of falling in love,
The meaning of friendship
and...
The realization that I am special.

The gifts you have made for me are endless.
If pain is a gift, I take it as well.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3

Trials come for all.
Resistance builds endurance.
Joy and Pain are necessary opposites.
Lord, give me strength. Give me wisdom.
Give it to the parents of the teenagers. please.

Hello there...

2004-10-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Me again
But I guess you know that. I heard sirens. There's a helicopter nearby. I think it means a car accident. Please don't let them die. The teenagers drive to fast on 193. Whoever it is God, please let them be okay. The families, friends- they will cry today.
Give them strength Lord.
I pray for them.