Didn't ya see that?

Aren't you proud of me? ...NO?!?!

But I was so efficient today. Didn't I impress you with my ability to seek and destroy every bit of dust, every string of hair?

The house sparkles! The dirt is history. Gone!

Isn't that impressive?

What do you mean I missed a spot? Where?

I washed the dishes twice!

I even mopped the garage floor. I washed the sheets. I washed the rugs! I organized the boxes under the house.

I made a nice dinner...
The girls are reading, not watching TV. Their homework is done. The cats have been fed.

I've talked with friends, paid the bills, bought the valentine cards...what did I miss?

The light bulb?...no I changed it.
Oh, the mail...I forgot to pick up the mail. Guess I'm not perfect.
What? That's not it?

What then? What isn't clean yet?

THE MEATLOAF PAN!?!?

I scrubbed that pan for a long time. Thought it was clean, so I placed it on the rack. Wiped it down and found grease smeared all over my drying towel. Yuck. More laundry. More work for me.

Why couldn't I see the grease?

Why do some stains never leave a garment?

How can you make things white as snow?

Forgive me Father...I'm sorry....make me white as snow.

PUT IT BACK! six feet under, please.

The worst thing that has ever happened to me... happened 15 years ago, but I relive it like it was yesterday.

Is this the time in my life where I actually talk about it so it will go away? Haven't we talked about it many times before God? Can't you throw this into the sea of forgetfulness and let me be free? Can't I be a bird so my tears will turn sideways? They fall down. They touch my skin. They won't let me forget.

Back then, if I could have transported myself away, I would have. If I could have been strong enough to knee him in the gut, I would have....

Last night the moon was full. In the kitchen I picked up my glass of wine and decided I needed to get away...again.

I went for a walk, down the street, in the moonlight. Soon he was behind me. He's always been there for me. He doesn't understand this and neither do I, but it will be okay. We will be okay. YOU know the pain. YOU understand the pain. YOU are the healer. YOU can make me strong. Please Lord, make me strong. Strong enough to bury it. Bury it and throw away the shovel.

Deal with it. HOW!!??
How does one deal with this?
I don't want counseling, I don't want to talk about it...anymore.
I exhumed it.
BURY IT GOD, BURY IT!!

let it haunt me no more...

Time, time, who's got the time...?

Here I am, another person complaining that there aren't enough hours in the day. Yeah, I guess I could do that, but I don't want to. There is plenty of time. I just waste most of it. I blog to much, and sometimes just sit and do nothing but ponder the past.

God, you know my everythought. You give me all the time I need. You know how much of that time I will spend with you. You tell me where to direct myself. I know where to go. I know what to do...so why do I drag my feet?

Why do I waste your gifts? I have all the ingredients to bake the cake. Why can't I eat it? Why can't I eat anything?

It's an old song. Help me manage my time. Help me find the balance.
Thank You

Crushing

Lord your cross is heavy. Sometimes light as a feather. Physically I imagine carrying it while running up the crushing hills. Where is my moment that I can no longer bare the burnden. I make my life heavy. I place them on my back, one by one.

You take them away- the ones I give you. The ones I keep get heavier. Please, God, I want to give them all up.

Can I trust you? yes, trust me...